A Quest To See And Value Your Amazingness – Part 2

Watch what you are seeing or focusing your attention on. Because what you focus your attention on feeds your mind and what you think about the most affects your attitude.

When we focus our attention on the things we don’t have yet, we miss the opportunity to be grateful for the things we have. We miss the amazing goodness of God on display in our lives every day when we grumble and complain about the things we want and have yet to receive.

In the first part of this blog post, I shared an example of how I failed to take note of the amazingness of my husband while focussing more on what I desired of him. My husband champions my cause. He promotes my interest, and he acts with my best interest at heart. It is very easy to miss the many quiet and seemly little ways he does this. And in missing them, I also fail to acknowledge and appreciate them. This can happen to any of us, even with the best intentions, if we have not made a conscious and deliberate decision to pay attention to the good in our spouse; to seek to see and value the unique and amazing things they do, which we often take for granted.

Our arch-enemy, the devil, is hell-bent on attacking Christian marriages. And it seems unwittingly, we are collaborating with him. We are not fighting a good fight for our marriages. We have become lethargic and slothful in this battle to erode the foundation of Christian marriage. A friend once said to me that we, the Christians, are no longer making marriages attractive. The world cannot seem to see the difference between us who professes to have God as the cornerstone of our marriage and those who don’t.

A Conscious Decision:

Craig Groeschel in his article; “It can be as good as you decide” made a profound statement that he and his wife decided their marriage will be as good as they decide it to be. They decided. They made the decision that come what may; their marriage will be good. It was a deliberate, conscious decision. They decided that they would seek God together, pray together and put God first. They decided that they would always fight towards resolution instead of towards winning, which left plenty of room for forgiveness and love. Simply put, they decided that they will make their marriage as good as they can for each other with the help of God.

They, the two of them, decided. It is taking both of them working together as one. They chose a focus for their marriage. They decided what they were going to allow to guide their attention and what will keep them working at making their marriage work.

You can decide how good your marriage will be. That is the starting point. It becomes the guiding principle for the marriage; that through the storms and the struggles we will do everything in our power to make our marriage good.

A critical element of making our marriage good is seeking to see the good in our spouse. It is paying attention to the good and unique qualities in them, acknowledging it, appreciating it and thanking God for it.

“One of the greatest secrets to a happy marriage is gratitude. Thankfulness. An overt recognition of your spouse’s amazingness” – Shauna Feldhahn.

What You Are Thinking About Matters:

You see, what you focus your attention on about your spouse will feed your thoughts about him/her—what you will be meditating on about your spouse. Eventually, what you are thinking about the most about your spouse will affect your attitude towards him/her. If your mind is filled with negative thoughts about your spouse, you will become emotionally disconnected with him/her. That will create a gap between the two of you.

Take a moment to ponder on this. Very often we find ourselves moody, cranky and sour towards our spouses. Check what you had been meditating on before your mood became foul and sour. It is most likely that you have been meditating on your spouse’s shortcomings, and weaknesses, and before long you are building an argument ready to react to him/her on the issue. Sometimes, what you are building an argument against in your heart has not even happen yet. It is simply an outcome of the subtle suggestions of the enemy. If you don’t pay attention to the negative suggestions that the enemy drops in your mind but spend time mulling over these negative suggestions, they will take root and begin to sour your attitude.

When the enemy turned on the bad channel, we need to consciously change the channel and keep changing it even when it appeared that it is automatically reverting to the bad channel. You actively change the channel by fixing your thoughts on what is right, true, pure, honourable, excellent, and of good report. Then you go a step further, and you speak it out so your ears can hear the truth of God’s Word against the lies suggested by the enemy.

Seek to see good:

Quit complaining, nagging and focusing on what your spouse is not doing right and where he/she is yet to come to par. But start taking note of and appreciating the good qualities in your spouse—there must be some if you have chosen to marry him/her. It is when you begin to notice the amazingness of your spouse, acknowledging and appreciating it that you will be able to draw out the other good qualities you desire to see in your spouse. The more we neglect to see and appreciate the good that is present now in our spouses, the less we are likely to attract the good we want to see in them. 

When we make a conscious and deliberate effort to value the amazing qualities in our spouses, it helps us to expect and have the confident hope that these qualities will show up in their lives and impact our relationship. You simply need to have eyes that seek to find the good in your spouse and be keenly aware of their amazing value or attributes. Train your eyes to see the good in your spouse and watch that good revealed at every turn. Take note of it when it is revealed and go the extra mile to acknowledge and appreciate it.

Bridging the gulf

Are there dark corners in your life and your relationships? Areas where you are not open and honest with each other, where you have hidden stuff from each other. When you have such dark corners in your relationship, it cannot be truly illuminated, flooded with light as it ought to be so that you can be deeply and truly intimate with each other.

These dark corners bring tension into the relationship and often obliterate our vision and prevents us from seeing the true value and amazingness of our spouse. They fester as they become a cesspool of filth the enemy dumps on our minds about our spouse and our relationship. Therefore, a quest to see and value your spouse amazingness requires that you have open and honest conversations so that you can deal with those dark areas that have created a gulf between you.

To have the kind of marriage that God desires for us to have, both husband and wife will have to do their fair share of forgiving. Especially forgiving what will be considered unforgivable. Perhaps, your relationship has gone sour—your spouse has broken faith, and you have experienced betrayal. Maybe you are at the point of giving up on the marriage, and you simply cannot see good anymore. This is also a pivotal point to put forgiveness into action. Forgiving the unforgivable is reflecting the forgiving nature of our God who forgave us our sins while we were still yet sinners. Whatever the outcome, forgiving your spouse will be liberating for you.

“Marriage means persevering. It means never giving up on each other.”

The principles shared in this blog post applies to all our relationships. When we complain and grumble about the things that are not going right, and we see only the things our children, our friends and government are not doing right, we will fail to see the good in anyone or situation. We, therefore, cannot be thankful for what we fail to see.

This is even more important in our relationship with God. Do you have an attitude of gratitude and thankfulness that seeks to see the goodness of God daily and in every situation even when it seems hard? An attitude of gratitude and a mindset that seeks to see good will attract God’s favour towards us. Seek to see God's goodness each day even when it seems least visible and you will find His goodness functioning at its best on your behalf.

Happy Thanksgiving to all our friends in the United States.

Let’s all develop a lifestyle of thanksgiving as we seek to see and value the amazingness of God in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones.

This post is dedicated to the my amazing husband. I am blessed to have you in my life. You are much loved, valued and appreciated.

A Quest To See And Value Your Amazingness Part 1

It has been a long while since I wrote to enrich marriages. I have not lost sight of this part of my commitment to my readers to enrich relationships, especially marriages. I stumbled on some quotes and messages in the past few weeks coupled with my personal experience that brought enriching relationships back to the front burner. I will share in this post nuggets I have gleaned from these purposeful enlightening experience.

Paul’s prayer in the Book of Ephesians struck me, and I found it instructive for this post. I will paraphrase Chapter 1 verse 18 as follows;

"I pray that your eyes of understanding will be focused, clear and enlightened (your hearts will be flooded with light) so that you may see exactly God is calling you to do, and know and understand the confident hope He has given to those He called;"

In verse 17, Paul prayed that Jesus Christ will give us spiritual wisdom and insight, making us intelligent and discerning so that we may grow in our knowledge of God; knowing Him personally, deeply and intimately.

We need spiritual wisdom and insight to know God intimately. We need to have our eyes sharpened and focussed to see the goodness of God in our every waking moment. It is very easy for our vision to be obscured by the challenges, adversities and problems we have in life that we fail to take note of, acknowledge and appreciate the goodness of God; we often to fail to pay attention to the good that God is doing in our lives each day. In failing to do so, we also fail to appreciate God and give thanks, praise and adoration to Him for His wonderful deeds. We also fail to give Him the glory due to Him. 

This lack of gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness hinders a close and intimate relationship with God. Because we will tend to complain and grumble more about the things we are yet to have or receive from God.

Seek To See Good:

We need to seek to see God's goodness each day even when it seems least visible, and we will find His goodness functioning at its best on our behalf. We have to train our eyes to see the good God richly pours out even in the midst of our trials. When we do so will see good revealed at every turn. If we don’t make a concerted and deliberate effort to see the good in our lives each day, our eyes and minds will always focus on the part of the cup that is empty and we will miss the many blessings already in the cup.

This truth is also applicable to our relationships. So often, we fail to see the good in the lives of those God has brought into our lives; these could be our spouses, siblings, friends, etc. While my emphasis in this blog will be on our relationship with our spouse, this principle is relevant to all our relationships.

A dear Senior Sista-Friend shared with me recently The UCB Word for Today devotional titled “Strengthen Your Marriage.” In this devotional, a couple celebrating their 50^th Wedding Anniversary shared three Cs that helped to strengthen their marriage.

1.       Commitment – putting the other person first

2.       Concern – genuinely seeking to find out what your spouse needs. “Because husbands and wives are as different as cheese and chalk.”

3.       Coping – “We can work it out.” You cannot always avoid conflict, but you can make it work for you.

A statement in the devotional caught fire in my spirit; “Closeness in marriage is not an accident; it is a decision you make, and keep making each day.”

I am strongly persuaded that one of the most important ways to develop emotional and spiritual intimacy in our marriage, and ultimately physical intimacy, is a quest to see and appreciate the good in our spouse. Beyond that, also to acknowledge and appreciate the good we see irrespective of the other changes our hearts desire to see in them. It is amazing what we can see and how much we can see when we give more than a cursory look and give attention to details.

Let me share my story with you to illustrate this point:

It was one of those weeks when so many things had to happen at the same time. It was also one of those weeks that my husband was at home in between long travels. We sat across each other on our dining table made of thousands of green glass smithereens sandwiched between two slabs of solid glass. The glass top dining table continues to be a source of inspiration to me and amazement to everyone who pays attention to it. Its uniqueness becomes more obvious as you take a closer look.

I was working with an intense focus on a protocol due for submission in less than 24 hours. My husband was also intently focused on the pile of envelopes on one side of his laptop, which he moved to the other side after working on the content of each envelope. I looked up occasionally from my laptop, wanting to catch his eyes on me or catch him looking at me with a smile. It didn’t happen. So I continued with my work.

Suddenly, my nerves fired shots of electricity through my right stump, and I winced in pain. Repeated firings had me groaning out loud. I looked across the table at my husband. He was so wrapped up in what he was doing that he didn’t hear me groaning.

So I kicked him with my left leg under the table. His head shot up, and he looked straight at me;

“What?!”

“You are not paying attention to me.”

He furrowed his brow. His eyes bore into mine. I winced again as another shot fired up my stump.

“My stump… Electric shocks…”

“Oh, sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t hear you.” His face lightened up, and the furrow disappeared.

The firing finally stopped. He continued with what he was doing. I continued for a while,then paused to look at him. That was when I noticed the pile on the right side had reduced while the pile on the left side mounted up. I knew what he was doing all the while. We had discussed it before he started and he asked for some clarifications as he worked. All of a sudden, the eyes of my understanding was illuminated; I realised what I had come to take for granted.

My husband was paying bills. He was crunching numbers. He was making decisions on what has to be paid, what can be paid and what would have to wait another month. He has been doing this for years. We became a single-income family when I stopped working and earning regular income at the end of 2007 because my health went downhill. It was a big deal and a huge concern for me, not to be able to contribute towards our family income in a significant way. But I would compile the bills ready for discussion and decision since I was at home all day and the one who takes receipt of the bills. In the last year leading to the lungs transplantation and the amputation of my legs, I could not even do this, and my husband had to take over completely, sorting and attending to the bills. While we discuss major stuff and pray together for God to supply our needs. Somehow, God makes provision for the huge pile of bills that comes in every month to get paid and to sustain us. The salary was just not enough.

So while I was getting angry at my husband for not paying the kind of attention I wanted to me, after all it was just the two of us at home, he was paying intent attention to keep us financially afloat. And I almost missed the intense effort he puts in every month to get it done, despite his heavy workload and frequent travels.

When we discussed the incidence later, I realized that I also missed one of the good that God did for us this year. For the past several years, my medical bills ran into many multiple hundreds of thousands Swiss francs. But in 2015, we had paid only a minute fraction in medical bills compared with the previous years. A huge hole in our finances had been sealed.

I knew more than ever before that I needed to retrain my eyes to focus on the awesome goodness of God, which He daily pour out on us. I also knew that I needed to have my eyes sharpened and focussed to see and value the amazingness of my husband; not once in all these years had he ever complained about the huge burden my medical issues had posed to our lives and our finances.

To be continued in Part 2.

Appreciating The Goodness Of God

It has been a whirlwind of events over the last three weeks; memory making moments, many moments of recalling the mercies of God and moments when dreams turned to reality.

With great joy and gratitude to God, we heard the Master of the Ceremony announce; "From the Federal Republic of Nigeria....." And he called the name of our second son, not once but three times. The young man walked across the stage twice to receive the awards for Highest Academic Achievement and the Director's Prize. And the third time to receive his High School Diploma. The journey of his basic education began in the kindergarten school in Ibadan, Nigeria and took him through two years of primary school in Tamale, Ghana at the age of four. The last leg of twelve years in College de Leman, Geneva ended gloriously on Saturday, May 30th, 2015.

He not only did us his parents proud, he made all African Parents present at the Graduation Ceremony proud. When families and friends, started calling him "Professor" at the age of four months because of his receded hairline, little did they know they were prophesying greatness into his life. He is the geek of our family. He is following the footsteps of his uncles and big brother into the field of Engineering. I can never thank God enough for this fine God-fearing young man who we declare, like his namesake, shall be a man after God's heart.

I do appreciate You, O God for the great joy You have given us over this child you blessed our lives with and over his brother.

The following evening, our family gathered together reflecting on the amazing goodness of God to us. It was May 31st. It was a day my friend who is also an amputee tagged, "Ampuversary." It was two years since my legs were amputated below the knees. We reflected on how far God had brought us from that day when we shed tears together as a family. We talked about how God gave purpose to our pain and birthed the Feet Of Grace Foundation. My sons remarked that I would never have been involved in this Charity and Fund-Raising activities if my legs were not amputated. My husband said I had to go through this process of losing my legs so that others may receive their legs.

There is indeed purpose in the process and pain. For this, I truly appreciate God.

We praised and glorified God some more on Tuesday, June 2nd. We remembered how God took the sting out of our pain on June 2nd, 2013 when the nurses switched off the supplemental oxygen and the ventilator. For the first time in eight years, I was breathing without support and effort.

Top on the list of things we take for granted in life is breathing. We don't think about it. We expect to take the next breath, to the extent that we don't appreciate that it is God who gives us the grace to breath. He holds the breath of man, and with it He holds man's soul in life. I learnt to appreciate the value of every single breath when breathing became a conscious effort for me.

Looking back to the last two years of effortless breathing, I cannot but fall on my knees and appreciate the goodness and mercies of God.

By this time, I had barely four days left to translate my gal's dream to reality. Her dream needed the exercise of her name to be made manifest. It has been a walk of faith since we started planning her wedding. We needed to exercise faith the more as the day drew near. I needed grace, strength, wisdom and divine help. The list of things to do was as long as my height stretched out.

God amazed, astonished and overwhelmed us. June 6th was exceedingly beyond what we dared to imagine. The bride was radiant with joy and the glory of God. Her dream became a reality. I must admit, it was truly a beautiful wedding. God raised all the help and resources we needed far beyond our imagination.

I don't have a biological daughter, but I am blessed with many daughters. Faith is one of them. She gave me the joy of what it feels like to be the Mother of the Bride. For this and all that God did for us over the six months of planning this wedding, I do appreciate my All-Sufficient and Ever-Faithful Father in heaven.

It is not yet time to rest; another dream is about to come true.

It started as a figment of my imagination in 2014 when a dear Sista asked, "When would there be a Sistapower Gathering in London?" Subsequently, at the 2014 Return of the Helpers Conference (ROTH) in Lagos, it was strongly impressed on my heart that ROTH will go to nations. I announced there that London is on the list. But the question; "how can it be?" assailed my mind. I needed someone in London to anchor the event.

God sparked the flame of enthusiasm in another daughter of mine living in London, and she began the work of organising the first edition of UK Sistapower Gathering with excitement.

If you are in London area join us on Saturday, June 13th, 2015 as we encourage one another to be the Solution God has created us to be. He is preparing and processing you and me to be a solution and to impact our world. Please don't miss. My heart rejoices in the Lord for what He has in stock for us. I am expectant and so grateful for how far He has brought us.

Dear Friends, I encourage you to take time each day to reflect on the amazing goodness of God in your life. I am persuaded that God is causing fresh water to flow in abundance in the midst of the seemingly hard and unyielding situations you may find yourself each day. Just draw near to Him in faith and obedience.

Do take a moment to share with us one thing you are appreciating God for and let's join you to give praise to God.

Celebrating Life, Love And God’s Faithfulness

The ducks quacked. The little boy on his green scooter echoed the quacking. He raced on and hi-five his mother. She laughed. I smiled. The deep blue Lake Leman merged with sky blue horizon over Evian on the other side of the lake. 

I took it all in. My heart rejoiced in God for the gift of life. Everything around me echoed life; the laughter of the two men sitting on the quay, the old couple smiling at them and the gentle lapping of the waves against the rock boulders.
 

Even the grey tree beside with its crown of many stumps whispered as the cool breeze from the lake passed through them; "watch out, I'll soon be green and full of life again!" I smiled and looked up to the sun blazing above it. Its warmth caressed my face.

April is a month of celebration of life, love and God's faithfulness to me. It is a month of celebrating the amazing love God so extravagantly lavished on me and my family. There are many significant landmark events in my life in April. But it is also a sober celebration, reflecting on the God's mercies to me. Indeed, it is by the mercies of God that I was not consumed. The hands of God kept so that I won't give up.

I had walked 1.5km by myself, up and down a steep slope to the bank, the florist, the shop and now at the lakeside in Versoix. It was April13th. My initial plan was to buy a bunch of long stem white roses and put them in the Lake. But, as I walked to the florist, I had a strong urge in my heart to send the flowers to someone incapacitated and with no friend. I knew where to find such as a person. So I ordered the flowers and gave instructions to the florist. Deep furrows creased above her brows.

"Do you mind if I ask you why?"

I shook my head and smiled, "Two years ago today, someone gave me a precious gift of new lungs."

The furrows disappeared and her face lit up, "how are you doing?"

"Great. Thanks be to God."

As I sat on the wooden brown chair gazing into the horizon, my heart went out to my Unknown Benefactor, I wished I still bought a stem of white rose, perhaps another day. It was sufficient that someone would smile the following morning.
 

My heart rejoiced in the Lord as I celebrate life and God's faithfulness.

I am a living testimony
I could have been dead and gone
But Lord, You let me live on
I am living testimony
And I thank the Lord; I'm still alive.

 (The Williams Brothers, I Am A Living Testimony)

Many times during the following days, I paused and pondered, “What was it like for my husband going through the days after the transplantation?” The surgeons told him the surgery went well. Then, they told him there had been some complications shortly afterwards. He sat by my bedside day in day out as I laid deep in a coma. I wondered what must have been going through his mind leaving the hospital, driving home, coming into our bedroom without knowing if or when I would be back home with him again.

My son told me he was calm, and he kept saying, "It is well." Perhaps, one day, he will write and share his story.
 

We both sighed. "Blessed be God" he whispered, as we drove on the highway passed the exit to Lausanne leading to the hospital last Thursday (April 16th). We were going to Bern. The exit was about 40km from Geneva. He drove this way, sometimes twice a day during the period I was in the hospital, until I came out of the coma and was strong enough to be airlifted back to Geneva.

I turned and looked at him, his gaze fixed on the road ahead, and I knew what was going through his mind.

Later that day and the following day, I was reminded again that I have every reason to celebrate life and God's faithfulness. I remembered my friend, Funmi Adewole. She went home to be with the Lord, on Friday April 17th, 2013.

I learnt about her home-going a few weeks after I came out of the coma. I was shocked, perplexed and confused. There's no searching the knowledge and wisdom of God. He is all Sovereign. He does what pleases Him. I could not fathom why He took Sally home and allowed me to come back from the valley of the shadow of death. She was a vibrant and passionate Christian. Her legacy lives on. In her death, she is still touching lives for good.

That was when I knew without any iota of doubt that my second chance at life is a gift from God to enable me fulfil specific and unique purposed. In her death, Funmi reminds me why I must leave behind a lasting legacy.
 

I thank the Lord; I'm still alive

My focus shifts back to my husband today. On Thursday, April 23rd, 1992, I married my friend. The fine man who has proved to be a treasure in heathen vessel. He is God's own special gift to me. He is a tremendous blessing to my life. He is my Chief Encourager, one-man cheer-leading squad and strong supporter. He bore the burden of caring for me through the twenty long years of affliction with grace. He carried my broken body with care and affection.
 

I feel truly blessed beyond measures and highly favoured, as I look forward to celebrating twenty-three years of doing life with this fine man, next Thursday. My heart overflows with joy and praise. I bless God, for my husband's devotion and commitment to our marriage and the sacred vows we shared that Thursday morning before God, our families and our friends. I thank God for the love and life we have shared to date. I give praise to God for His mighty hands, which kept us through the storms.

We will take our celebration of life, love and God's faithfulness to the next level on Saturday, April 25th, as we Hit The Street to raise 15,000 Swiss Francs to provide prosthetic limbs for amputees.

Dear Friends, wherever you may be, you can support my friends and me for the 5k Charity Walk. Together, we can make the dreams of these amputees come true. Leave a message in the comment box below for more details.

In what ways are you celebrating God’s faithfulness in your life this month? Share with us in the comment box and let’s give praise to God together for His steadfast love that never ceases and His mercies that never come to an end.

Shared Lives. Shared Dreams. Shared Goals – Part 2

For over a week, I played a “you can’t catch me” game with the flu bug. It has been a roller coaster ride, feeling great one day and off-colour the next.  It has also been a battle of will to get this blog post completed. I started writing the second part of the Shared Lives post ten days ago. The feedback I got after I posted the first part and the inspiration from further reading on the subject, fired my determination to complete the post today despite the watery eyes, heavy head and sneezing a thousand per minute. I am persuaded that I have the victory over the flu bug.

Unique and Significant:

My marriage is unique and significant in God’s Kingdom agenda. God has a unique purpose for my husband and me to fulfil. So our marriage is not just about us; it is also about the impact God desires for our marriage to make in the world about us. This principle is true for every couple. It is imperative that we keep this notion in the forefront and as a primary vision for our marriages.

Because God has a sovereign and eternal plan for our lives, we know that every detail of our lives are small pieces of the larger picture God has in mind of our lives. Therefore, our marriage is a significant piece of God’s larger picture and eternal plan our lives.

Therefore, we need to understand that each marriage is unique, and God’s plans and purpose for your marriage is unique. This knowledge prevents me from comparing my marriage with another marriage. My husband and I have our unique individual gifts, strengths, skills, talents, calling, weaknesses, and failings, which combined in our shared lives have given our marriage its unique identity—same is true for you and your spouse too.

Shared Vision:

The Bible says that the people perish without a vision. Without a vision, a couple in marriage will have no target to aim for to keep their passion stirring. We need a vision in order to move with intensity towards a goal.

“…I will know that you are standing together with one spirit and one purpose, fighting together for the faith, which is the Good News.” – Philippians 1: 27b.

The scripture above gives us another impetus for the sacredness of our shared lives as a couple and an insight into God’s eternal vision for us. We are called to stand together as a couple with one spirit and one purpose—united in spirit and united in purpose. Then we can fight together for the faith. Unity in the spirit and purpose is essential for a couple to fulfil God’s plans for their marriage. We need to remind ourselves constantly that we are in this together for the long haul—as long as we both shall live.

An understanding of the eternal essence of our shared vision will give each of us in our marriage a different perspective in dealing with the issues we face as we go on the journey of our shared lives. It will also encourage us to stay true to the course no matter how rough the journey may be.

If a couple has different life goals and values, this will result in several opportunities for conflicts as both will be going in different directions. You can’t be united in purpose and focussed on the same vision or goal if you have divergent values and you are unwilling to change. Hence, it is important at the onset of a relationship, during the discovery stage, to focus on knowing the values you both hold to strongly.

Ask a thousand questions when you are courting. That is your fact-finding season.

Enhancing Oneness:                                                        

In order for each couple to fulfil their unique purpose, they need to grow together as one and be united in purpose.

Sharing lives together is therefore much more than sharing space. It is not enough to be together in the same room; it is important that you give focussed attention to each other. If you are focussing on other things when you are together or when your spouse is talking to you, then you are not giving quality attention to your spouse. It is only when we pay attention to one another that we can find out what is uppermost in the mind of our spouse. You can’t assume that you know your spouse so well that you don’t need to ask them what they want, what they need and what their opinion is. This will amount to taking your spouse for granted. Your spouse’s opinion matters.

Also, the time spent together in a common pursuit enhances your intimacy and oneness. It also communicates that you care about each other’s interests, and you enjoy being with each other.

Communication is vital in a marriage.

Learning effective communication skills can be a marriage saver.

It is also important to be supportive of each other's dreams. But you can only support what you know about. So if you are not sharing your dreams with your spouse, you are limiting the opportunities and your spouse’s ability to support you.

Your shared dreams as a couple have to be strong and vital. It must engage both of you to get you stirred up and motivated. Dreaming together as a couple and planning towards attaining your dreams together is powerful in making your marriage strong and deepen your intimacy. Thus enhancing your oneness.

Since God did not give you or your spouse psychic abilities to read each other’s mind, talking to each other and listening to one another is vital is essential for your shared lives to thrive and remain vibrant. It should be in a language that is clearly understood and without ambiguity.

Be Kind To Each Other:

Are you as kind to your spouse as you are with others outside your marriage? Are showing the same grace to your spouse as you extend to others?

There are many who are very tolerant and accommodating of the shortcomings of those outside their marriage who do not extend the same mercy to their spouses. As noted in the blog post last week, the main purpose of marriage is that through your marriage, you become more conformed to the image of God by showing unconditional love, mercy and grace. It is in marriage you learn to pour yourself lavishly on someone who doesn't deserve it or respond appropriately.

I am a strong believer that a couple should be each other’s best friend, acting in the best interest of each other and giving their best to each other. After all, you are sharing lives together with each other in a way you can’t share with another person, and you are bound together by a covenant. Your marriage is a covenant relationship. This also means that right from the onset, the relationship is founded on a solid friendship.

“Your marriage is a living example of what it is like to be in close relationship with you.”

Micheal Hyatt – How To Be Your Spouse’s Best Friend

The following are some of the elements of a strong marriage founded on shared lives;

1. Staying strong and vibrant is important to both of you—a shared goal and dream.
2. You are both willing to work together to stay strong.
3. Being focussed and unified in purpose.

The pursuit of shared goals will promote unity in the marriage and align efforts so that the couple are working together in the same direction. Lack of unity results in decreased marital satisfaction, increased stress and a waste of time, energy and resources. Unity is achieved when you align your values, vision, goals and plans.

Working together to achieve your shared dreams and shared goals requires vital and frequent consultations during which you learn and understand each other's strength, weaknesses and preferences. This information can be used for the mutual benefit of the relationship to avoid conflicts.

When you understand who does what best in your relationship, then you can allow each other to focus on what you do best. You learn to use your differences to complement each other as a thriving team.

Marriage is a test of perseverance:

Good marriages are marked with several milestones of perseverance. God wants us to keep pressing forward in our marriage together, overcoming challenges, obstacles and difficulties as we share lives as one. It is in persevering that we have victory that brings glory to God in our marriages.

Let us not become weary in doing good,  for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatian 6:9

It is by pressing on that we attain God’s best for our marriage. There will be times when you will feel like you are pressing on for deeper intimacy and oneness in your marriage alone. Don’t be weary and don’t give up. Be assured that God is working on your spouse just as much as He is working on you. 

So you just do your part in absolute reliance on God. He has a stake in the success of your marriage because He designed your marriage to succeed.

I pray that you and your spouse will press forward together in your shared lives with determination until you attain God’s eternal purpose for your marriage. Grace to you.

Shared Lives. Shared Goals. Shared Dreams.

Valentine’s Day provides us with a great opportunity to reaffirm our love to those we are in a relationship with. This reaffirmation cannot be a once-a-year event but one that we need to do each day of the year especially those who are married or preparing for marriage. It has to be consistent if we are going to keep our marriage vibrant, fresh and thriving.

It takes wisdom to build a house, and understanding to set it on a firm foundation; it takes knowledge to furnish its rooms with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.”

– Proverbs 24:3-4 (The Message Bible).

My take away from these verses is that it takes wisdom, understanding and knowledge to build a strong, vibrant and thriving marriage that will last for a life term. It is important for us to know and understand that in building a long-term and lasting relationship, we must understand that it is about sharing our lives together. It is a journey that we embark on for the long term and the long-haul. Simply put, we are doing life TOGETHER. Marriage is designed by God to be a life-long relationship. It is primordial that we jointly as a couple do the work of making it work.

“Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful and the divine.”

– James E. Faust.

I read recently, in a devotional devoted to encouraging a view marriage as a life-long journey, that the main purpose of marriage is that through your marriage you become confirmed to the image of Jesus Christ. We conform to the image of Christ by learning to exhibit unconditional love, mercy and grace to our spouse in marriage. In marriage, you learn to pour yourself lavishly out on a person who may not respond appropriately. This is what grace is all about.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will share on this blog how we can deepen intimacy in our marriages by focusing on the concept of sharing lives together as a couple. I will look at some of the elements that will enhance our appreciation of our shared lives.

How much do you enjoy being with each other and sharing life with your spouse?

There is the need for couples to share a common vision or ministry otherwise we will begin to grow apart. Talking about the possibilities of what your lives together hold in the present and in the future is a starting point for having shared vision.

You build intimacy in a relationship through communication, commitment and clear shared goals. Making decisions together will enrich your relationship and deepen your intimacy.

Emotional connection begins to wane when communication is strained and limited. Good communication is important for a healthy and thriving relationship. Improving communication requires multiple and sustained efforts. The more time we spend together as couples, the more we will long for that deep connection. Shared goals create opportunities for an intimate connection between the couple.

Sharing our lives together requires us to have shared goals. Shared goals are things two people in a relationship strongly desire and are committed to accomplishing together.

Three elements of this definition require further attention;

1. Strongly desire: there has to be a mutual desire shared by the two in a relationship. It has to be something you both want with all your heart. You both agree to have it. If you both have deep and strong desires for your marriage, it will keep you focussed working towards that dream when things get tough.
2. Committed: shared goals have to be something both of you are willing to commit yourselves, including your energy and efforts, to accomplishing. In a sense, there should be a joint commitment to this cause.
3. Together: it is something you want to do together, something you are both willing to work towards as a team.

Shared goals and dreams provide the glue that will keep you and your spouse working together in marriage. It provides you a defined purpose for your daily activities. These shared goals will determine which path you both choose to follow. There is the tendency to walk on different paths if you don’t have shared goals as a couple. It enables you to have greater communication as you discuss what you are doing and where you both are in the journey towards accomplishing your shared goals. It encourages greater collaboration and brings about unity.

As couples work together towards accomplishing their shared goals, each person’s role becomes clarified with each one knowing the value and importance of his/her contribution. You cannot accomplish this without communicating. The more you communicate, the more you are better able to clarify your goals and understand the value of our contribution. This will strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and also deepen your intimacy. Shared goals bring both of you a sense of joy and fulfilment when it is accomplished.

Our deepest and strongest desire, when my husband and I got married, was that our home would be a haven of peace, a place where others will come and find succour and counsel. That was what we wanted, and this strong desire still guides us till date. There have been many times we lost track of that vision. I bless God Who in His infinite mercy and grace has always refocused our attention back to it.  

I am grateful that this desire was top on the list of our prayer points when we got married. As I look back over the years we have shared our lives together, I see how God has processed, pruned and refined us so that our home can be a place of succour and peace that we desired it to be. So as we reaffirm our love for each other today, I focus my attention again on our shared vision and ask God to keep us align to it every day we share together as a couple.

I will continue this post next week. In the interim, I encourage you, my married friends, to take time today and in the coming days to review what your shared goals and vision are as a couple. Are you sharing yourself with your spouse as you both work towards your shared goals?

Please feel free to share with us in the comment box how we can do better in sharing our lives together as couples, 

Grace and blessings of God abound to you and your spouse as you grow in the knowledge of God’s purpose for your lives.

Know Your God_31 Reasons To Be Grateful

Thirty-one days of 2015 have flown past in a flash. January was very busy and challenging month. It was also a fulfilling and inspiring month in many ways. It was a month during which I experienced many instances where I had to consciously and consistently force my spirit, heart, emotions and body to align with the word of God. I am truly grateful to God for the way He used January to set the tone for my walk with Him in 2015.  I know without any iota of doubt that this is going to be an exciting year that will take me to a new level in my relationship with God and in the direction of fulfilling His call on my life.

I am glad and will testify on December 31st how blessed I am to know my God deeply, intimately, and truly.

“…but the people that do know their God shall be strong, and do exploits.”

Daniel 11:32b

Today's blog post is the outcome of my reflections on the many lessons I learnt in January. They were checkpoints where my knowledge of God was the anchor for my soul and the sole source of peace. They gave me more than thirty-one reasons to be grateful that I know my God. I will by the grace of God expand on some of them in future blog posts.

Deep Conversations With Self: I think one of the first set of lessons I learnt this year, was to reinforce the truth that I am significant and relevant first and foremost because of who I am in Christ Jesus. I am also significant and relevant in God's kingdom agenda. I have a specific role to play and God has assigned me a unique space to lead by influence and make an impact.

I grew deeper in the knowledge of God as I studied again the Book of Ruth guided by a book titled The Gospel of Ruth written by Carolyn James. The book placed Ruth in the context of her environment at her time. It made all the difference. I got to know God deeper through a deeper understanding of the lives of Naomi and Ruth. I will dedicate a post to this soon.

The Changing Phases of Motherhood:
In 2015, my first born son will turn 21. He is a man in his own right, who is developing significant relationships beyond our immediate family. I saw my once-a-baby making significant decisions and plans of his own. But above all, I saw him in a situation, where his knowledge of God and personal relationship with Him was illuminated brilliantly.

My second son will turn 18 this year, and will leave home for the university. I saw his deepening desire to grow in the knowledge of God. I saw him and his brother displaying strength and calmness in the face of disappointment and difficult situations, when things did not go the way they wanted.

These two young men gave me many reasons this month to be confident in God that He is able to keep them deeply rooted in Him whether they are at home or 8000km away from home. They gave me many more reasons to give praise and thanks to God.

Growing in this confidence is an on-going process enhanced by me having a deeper knowledge of God. Believe me, I went on several emotional roller coaster since December contemplating the change that is bound to take place in my family this year as my husband and I become empty-nesters.

State Of The Union:
I spent many hours seated on my wheelchair with arms folded over my chest staring at the snow-covered field beyond my house in contemplation. It got me reviewing the state of my union with my husband. I asked myself how ready we are for life together without our children at home. I learnt that in the busyness of life, it is easy drift to the mundane, to the things that do not have direct relevance for the growth of our marriage. As a couple we must make conscious effort to keep our relationship vibrant, vital, rich and thriving.

The deeper I grow in the knowledge of God the more I understand how important and significant my marriage is to God and His Kingdom. It is not just about me and my husband, there is so much more that's hinged to the success of my marriage. I learnt again that my husband and I have to work together to ensure that we don't take each other and our marriage for granted, and we make every effort not to let our marriage fall into a state of disrepair. We can accomplish this by having a shared focus on God and a shared goal of fulfilling His purpose for our marriage.

My husband always says that better must not be the enemy of good, meaning that we must not neglect to appreciate what we have while seeking for something better. So I learnt that I must be very grateful for where I am in my marriage but must continue to strive for the best God has for us. I discovered many more reasons to be grateful to God for my husband in this process. For as long as we have breath, there is always a deeper dimension and a higher level to attain in our relationship with our spouses and with God.

Refuting Arguments:

Studying the Gospel of Luke is a requirement for the Lifesprings School of Ministry training I embarked on last October—quite a journey indeed. More on that later. While studying again Luke, I saw quite vividly the way Jesus refuted all the arguments of the enemy and resisted devil's temptations with the word of God.

There were some times this month that all I wanted to do is just stay in my bed and not get up. My mind was assaulted with many suggestions and arguments by the devil. My body was discomfited and sometimes felt disjointed. And yet this is the same month that I have been learning so much about God. The enemy is very clever. I learnt through these experiences that it is not sufficient to have a head knowledge of God. It has to be an active knowledge where we use the word of God to refute the arguments and distractions of the enemy, and the dictates of our daily circumstances.

I learnt that I have to align my spirit, emotion and body to the word of God on a daily basis. This brings an indescribable peace.

May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord. – 2Peter 1:2

On National Issues:

There is so much going on in my country in view of the forthcoming elections. Following the discussions on the social media has been disheartening. The word of God has provided a solid anchor for my soul as I travail in prayer for the Almighty God to put His sovereign power on display in my nation. I know that God rules in the affairs of men. I know that He knows the deep intents of hearts of men. I know His understanding of the events of our lives as a nation is beyond that which we can perceive. He has the life of every living thing in His hands. He holds the power over every nation. All the intrigues of politics and power play are plain before His sight. Ultimately, men will only discern what is right to do only if they know their God and trust in Him for insight and guidance. And that is my prayer: that God will grant each of us a spirit of discernment and demonstrate His majesty and power in the affairs of our nations.

I got to know God in a deeper way:
It is amazing how much more I learnt about God this month and how deeper I have grown in Him through this in-depth study of what it means to know God. It has been a worthwhile investment of time. If you want to take the study of knowing God deeper, I strongly recommend the following books;

-          The Attributes of God by A. W. Tozer

-          Knowing God by J. I. Packer

-          Also take some time to study the sermons of Charles Spurgeon.

Today’s post is long. I switched off my self-edit button and simply poured out my heart on this page. I wanted you to know just how much I am so grateful that I know the Almighty, All-sufficient and Omnipotent God as my God every single day of January. I am grateful He knows me as His daughter.

Dear Friends, in the world we live in today, Know Your God is not optional. It is a deliberate choice every child of God has to make. It is not going to happen by wishful thinking, it will take your willingness and an investment of your time to dwell in God’s presence until you know Him as intimately as He wants you to.

Please take time to ponder on the following questions;

-          What difference has knowing the Lord God make in your life this year?

-          Can you think of something you did or something you said during January that showed someone else that you really know the Lord and that you are a child of God that you have something that changes men’s hearts, you have a gift and it changes the way they live?

-          How does the knowledge of God reflect in your life in times of adversity and challenges?

In what ways are you grateful that you Know Your God? What steps are you willing to take your relationship with God to a deeper level this year? Share in the comment box below and let’s keep encouraging one another.

May the grace and peace of God be multiplied to you in increasing measures as grow in the knowledge of God.

To Share Or Not To Share: Part 2

First of all, let me apologize for my absence from this space for the past two weeks. I had many balls to juggle in the air. I cannot complain because it has been my prayer to be gainfully engaged but I did not anticipate the overwhelming volume of things that would daily demand my urgent attention. I learnt to commit my arm-long list of things-to-do to God each day in prayer and keep my focus on His agenda.

This blog refused to be written in a hurry. When I started the discussion three weeks ago, I did not expect the volume and seriousness of the response it would generate. I am very grateful to all those who responded both on the blog and by email. Thank you very much for your contributions. They were insightful.

There were many viewpoints provided and a number of issues highlighted. It appeared that this is an issue that many couples are struggling with. Also, I got some feedback that were personal and required some counselling. It was at this point that I decided to go back to the Lord in prayer. I needed His leading and guidance to address this issue and in particular to give the right counsel to those who presented personal situation.

Pooling together all the contributions I received, with a further study of the Word and vast literature available on the subject, I would like to address this issue from three premises:

1.       God’s plan and desire for marriage.

2.       What secrets, lies and withholding information does to the relationship.

3.       Instances when discretion and sound judgment is required.

God’s plan and desire for marriage:

We can glean from Genesis 2: 24 – 25 that God desired for a man to be united to his wife and for the two to become one flesh. Then, we note that the two were both naked and they felt no shame: “they were not ashamed.” That is, not embarrassed in each other’s presence

We can conclude from these two verses and many others that referred to it in the New Testament, that God’s will is for husband and wife to be in spiritual and functional unity, walking in integrity and serving God together. “The biblical concept of marriage is an oneness between two individuals that pictures the oneness of Christ with His church.  When this harmony, unity and oneness is operative, the entire society prospers under the hand of God” (1).

Both the husband and the wife are expected to supply what the other lack so that they can become truly one flesh in complete unity, complementing each other.

“Nakedness suggests that they were at ease with each other without any fear of exploitation”

– Bible Knowledge Commentary.

This is the degree of fellowship that God intended for marriage, where there is no fear of exploitation or a potential for evil to be done to one another, but a depth of trust which indicates that they will both act in the best interest of each other. Anything that will cause a couple not to be at ease and open to each other has the potential to destabilize the unity and harmony God intends for them to share.

True friends should not feel the need to hide what they are doing from each other. “And the Lord said, shall I hide from Abraham that which I do?” (Gen. 18:17). Abraham was a friend of God. True friends communicate freely with each other without fear. Husbands and wives should shared such an intimate relationship, which allows for free and open communication.

Openness is what God designed for marriage as they become one flesh. God’s desire is for husband and wife to have a marriage where secrets cannot have a foothold.

Secrets, lies and withholding information does and its effect on the relationship:

Surprises are great in a marriage once in a while but they are not likely to be a constant dynamics of the relationship. 

“Where transparency and trust are the forefront of a marriage, surprises should never be a problem” – Kate Aldrich (www.onefleshmarriage.com)

Secrets are those things you do not INTEND to tell your spouse. Secrets will keep us from connecting at a deeper level. Keeping secrets imply a certain level of “shadiness” that will limit openness in a relationship. Withholding information and keeping secrets can be counter-productive to growing an open, honest and healthy relationship. Once it becomes easy to keep “little secrets” it will not be long before we begin to keep big secrets, which would be detrimental to our marriage.

Sharing information should be a constant practice in trust and honesty. Open and honest communication is not only the best way to build a healthy relationship, it is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Indeed, trust and honesty are the backbones of a good relationship.

Secrecy robs the relationship of intimacy. It creates a gulf between the couple. The more you hide from each other, the more you turn away from each other, and the wider the gulf becomes. Even when physical intimacy appears to be ok or even great, emotional and spiritual intimacy becomes limited and strained.

-          How can you truly be one flesh with someone you cannot share your heart with, someone locked out of the some areas of your life?

-      How can you pray in unity with someone you are lying to or not telling the truth when asked?

What is the motive for not sharing? The crux of the matter is still WHY we are withholding information from each other.

-          Is it in the best interest of the other party?

-          Does it require lying or sidestepping the truth?

There should not be any sphere of our lives as a couple that is not accessible to the person we are one flesh with in a healthy marriage. That does not how mean that we don’t occasionally need our space or time alone, which is by mutual consent.

Instances when discretion and sound judgment is required:

I would like to share two Biblical stories as case studies of when discretion and sound judgment were exercised in the Bible with regard to sharing information.

Abigail:

The Bible noted in 1Samuel 25 that she was an intelligent and beautiful woman with good understanding. She was married to Nabal. Her husband was described as churlish, mean, wicked and evil in his doing. No one can talk to him – does what he wants to do regardless of the consequences. He was an ungrateful man, who could not show even the required societal courtesy. His wickedness put his family at a great risk.

When Abigail was informed of her husband’s action and the evil that has been determined against her household. Her reaction was spontaneous – she wasted no time to initiate remedial action (1Samuel 28:18). Note verse 19: “…But she did not tell her husband Nabal” what she was going to do. Wisdom dictated that she took action without her husband’s knowledge.

She pleaded and interceded for her unthinking and unwise husband, and her entire household. She also prevented David from having on his conscience the burden of needless bloodshed. After she had succeeded in averting evil from her household, she went to her husband to tell him. Here again, she exercised discretion and wisdom by waiting for the right time, she told him nothing because he was drunk. She waited until morning when he had become sober, and she told him ALL that had happened.

She did not lie to her husband about the events that took place neither did she withhold the information from him. But knowing the kind of man her husband was, she managed the situation with discretion, good judgment and wisdom. At the appropriate time she told him everything.

There are still men and women who don’t listen to others and only do what they want to do even to the extent of putting their families at risk. If you are married to such a person how can you exercise discretion in managing sensitive situations in your relationship without telling lies and being dishonest with your spouse?

When crisis thrusts itself on us, we need to take a tight rein on ourselves and let the Holy Spirit guide. I believe we should not depend on our own reasoning to deal with such a situation but on God’s grace and help, and expect His grace to work on our behalf. We can also seek counsel from respected Christians.

Abraham (Genesis 22):

Abraham and Sarah waited 25 years for Isaac, the child of promise, to be born. Then, God tested Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his only son whom he loved on a mountain he was to be shown. The Bible recorded that early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey and took his servants and his son with him on the journey. His response was instant and of unquestioning obedience.

The question as raised by some of the contributors to this discussion was; did Abraham consult with Sarah overnight and told her about God’s instruction? Obviously the answer is a resounding NO! I don’t believe that Sarah or any woman for that matter would have willingly given up a child, she waited so long for without a strong argument.

But Abraham knew God as a covenant keeping God. He knew that in matters concerning God’s clear instructions, he could not consult with flesh and blood but simply to act in quiet submissive obedience.

I learnt from this story that there will be instances when we cannot consult with flesh and blood when God gives a clear instruction that requires our submissive obedience. I believe that under such circumstances God’s grace will also be available to the spouse to understand why such obedience is required and be supportive of it.

Some other highlights from the feedback:

-          While transparency is important, a couple may need to exercise discretion in sharing something a third party had shared in confidence. When this is shared between the couple, it should be only for the purpose of praying and not for discussion with another person.

-          God said that two is better than one. It is important that couples should make decisions about issues that concerns their lives together.

-          Keeping secrets from our spouse erodes confidence and creates opportunities for suspicion and distrust.

God is a God of knowledge, by Him are actions weighed. He knows us inside out and He know the motive behind all we do. We will account to Him for all our actions. It is possible to take remedial actions when we have not acted right, but first seek God’s face and guidance, and possibly godly counsel.

Today’s post has been long and extensive in the bid to cover as much angle as possible on this subject. I pray that you will all experience the true oneness that God designed for your marriage and trust that it will enrich your relationship.

1.       http://www.studymode.com/essays/Anthropology-Marriage-And-Divorce-1007854.html