Shared Lives. Shared Dreams. Shared Goals – Part 2

For over a week, I played a “you can’t catch me” game with the flu bug. It has been a roller coaster ride, feeling great one day and off-colour the next.  It has also been a battle of will to get this blog post completed. I started writing the second part of the Shared Lives post ten days ago. The feedback I got after I posted the first part and the inspiration from further reading on the subject, fired my determination to complete the post today despite the watery eyes, heavy head and sneezing a thousand per minute. I am persuaded that I have the victory over the flu bug.

Unique and Significant:

My marriage is unique and significant in God’s Kingdom agenda. God has a unique purpose for my husband and me to fulfil. So our marriage is not just about us; it is also about the impact God desires for our marriage to make in the world about us. This principle is true for every couple. It is imperative that we keep this notion in the forefront and as a primary vision for our marriages.

Because God has a sovereign and eternal plan for our lives, we know that every detail of our lives are small pieces of the larger picture God has in mind of our lives. Therefore, our marriage is a significant piece of God’s larger picture and eternal plan our lives.

Therefore, we need to understand that each marriage is unique, and God’s plans and purpose for your marriage is unique. This knowledge prevents me from comparing my marriage with another marriage. My husband and I have our unique individual gifts, strengths, skills, talents, calling, weaknesses, and failings, which combined in our shared lives have given our marriage its unique identity—same is true for you and your spouse too.

Shared Vision:

The Bible says that the people perish without a vision. Without a vision, a couple in marriage will have no target to aim for to keep their passion stirring. We need a vision in order to move with intensity towards a goal.

“…I will know that you are standing together with one spirit and one purpose, fighting together for the faith, which is the Good News.” – Philippians 1: 27b.

The scripture above gives us another impetus for the sacredness of our shared lives as a couple and an insight into God’s eternal vision for us. We are called to stand together as a couple with one spirit and one purpose—united in spirit and united in purpose. Then we can fight together for the faith. Unity in the spirit and purpose is essential for a couple to fulfil God’s plans for their marriage. We need to remind ourselves constantly that we are in this together for the long haul—as long as we both shall live.

An understanding of the eternal essence of our shared vision will give each of us in our marriage a different perspective in dealing with the issues we face as we go on the journey of our shared lives. It will also encourage us to stay true to the course no matter how rough the journey may be.

If a couple has different life goals and values, this will result in several opportunities for conflicts as both will be going in different directions. You can’t be united in purpose and focussed on the same vision or goal if you have divergent values and you are unwilling to change. Hence, it is important at the onset of a relationship, during the discovery stage, to focus on knowing the values you both hold to strongly.

Ask a thousand questions when you are courting. That is your fact-finding season.

Enhancing Oneness:                                                        

In order for each couple to fulfil their unique purpose, they need to grow together as one and be united in purpose.

Sharing lives together is therefore much more than sharing space. It is not enough to be together in the same room; it is important that you give focussed attention to each other. If you are focussing on other things when you are together or when your spouse is talking to you, then you are not giving quality attention to your spouse. It is only when we pay attention to one another that we can find out what is uppermost in the mind of our spouse. You can’t assume that you know your spouse so well that you don’t need to ask them what they want, what they need and what their opinion is. This will amount to taking your spouse for granted. Your spouse’s opinion matters.

Also, the time spent together in a common pursuit enhances your intimacy and oneness. It also communicates that you care about each other’s interests, and you enjoy being with each other.

Communication is vital in a marriage.

Learning effective communication skills can be a marriage saver.

It is also important to be supportive of each other's dreams. But you can only support what you know about. So if you are not sharing your dreams with your spouse, you are limiting the opportunities and your spouse’s ability to support you.

Your shared dreams as a couple have to be strong and vital. It must engage both of you to get you stirred up and motivated. Dreaming together as a couple and planning towards attaining your dreams together is powerful in making your marriage strong and deepen your intimacy. Thus enhancing your oneness.

Since God did not give you or your spouse psychic abilities to read each other’s mind, talking to each other and listening to one another is vital is essential for your shared lives to thrive and remain vibrant. It should be in a language that is clearly understood and without ambiguity.

Be Kind To Each Other:

Are you as kind to your spouse as you are with others outside your marriage? Are showing the same grace to your spouse as you extend to others?

There are many who are very tolerant and accommodating of the shortcomings of those outside their marriage who do not extend the same mercy to their spouses. As noted in the blog post last week, the main purpose of marriage is that through your marriage, you become more conformed to the image of God by showing unconditional love, mercy and grace. It is in marriage you learn to pour yourself lavishly on someone who doesn't deserve it or respond appropriately.

I am a strong believer that a couple should be each other’s best friend, acting in the best interest of each other and giving their best to each other. After all, you are sharing lives together with each other in a way you can’t share with another person, and you are bound together by a covenant. Your marriage is a covenant relationship. This also means that right from the onset, the relationship is founded on a solid friendship.

“Your marriage is a living example of what it is like to be in close relationship with you.”

Micheal Hyatt – How To Be Your Spouse’s Best Friend

The following are some of the elements of a strong marriage founded on shared lives;

1. Staying strong and vibrant is important to both of you—a shared goal and dream.
2. You are both willing to work together to stay strong.
3. Being focussed and unified in purpose.

The pursuit of shared goals will promote unity in the marriage and align efforts so that the couple are working together in the same direction. Lack of unity results in decreased marital satisfaction, increased stress and a waste of time, energy and resources. Unity is achieved when you align your values, vision, goals and plans.

Working together to achieve your shared dreams and shared goals requires vital and frequent consultations during which you learn and understand each other's strength, weaknesses and preferences. This information can be used for the mutual benefit of the relationship to avoid conflicts.

When you understand who does what best in your relationship, then you can allow each other to focus on what you do best. You learn to use your differences to complement each other as a thriving team.

Marriage is a test of perseverance:

Good marriages are marked with several milestones of perseverance. God wants us to keep pressing forward in our marriage together, overcoming challenges, obstacles and difficulties as we share lives as one. It is in persevering that we have victory that brings glory to God in our marriages.

Let us not become weary in doing good,  for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatian 6:9

It is by pressing on that we attain God’s best for our marriage. There will be times when you will feel like you are pressing on for deeper intimacy and oneness in your marriage alone. Don’t be weary and don’t give up. Be assured that God is working on your spouse just as much as He is working on you. 

So you just do your part in absolute reliance on God. He has a stake in the success of your marriage because He designed your marriage to succeed.

I pray that you and your spouse will press forward together in your shared lives with determination until you attain God’s eternal purpose for your marriage. Grace to you.

Shared Lives. Shared Goals. Shared Dreams.

Valentine’s Day provides us with a great opportunity to reaffirm our love to those we are in a relationship with. This reaffirmation cannot be a once-a-year event but one that we need to do each day of the year especially those who are married or preparing for marriage. It has to be consistent if we are going to keep our marriage vibrant, fresh and thriving.

It takes wisdom to build a house, and understanding to set it on a firm foundation; it takes knowledge to furnish its rooms with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.”

– Proverbs 24:3-4 (The Message Bible).

My take away from these verses is that it takes wisdom, understanding and knowledge to build a strong, vibrant and thriving marriage that will last for a life term. It is important for us to know and understand that in building a long-term and lasting relationship, we must understand that it is about sharing our lives together. It is a journey that we embark on for the long term and the long-haul. Simply put, we are doing life TOGETHER. Marriage is designed by God to be a life-long relationship. It is primordial that we jointly as a couple do the work of making it work.

“Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful and the divine.”

– James E. Faust.

I read recently, in a devotional devoted to encouraging a view marriage as a life-long journey, that the main purpose of marriage is that through your marriage you become confirmed to the image of Jesus Christ. We conform to the image of Christ by learning to exhibit unconditional love, mercy and grace to our spouse in marriage. In marriage, you learn to pour yourself lavishly out on a person who may not respond appropriately. This is what grace is all about.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will share on this blog how we can deepen intimacy in our marriages by focusing on the concept of sharing lives together as a couple. I will look at some of the elements that will enhance our appreciation of our shared lives.

How much do you enjoy being with each other and sharing life with your spouse?

There is the need for couples to share a common vision or ministry otherwise we will begin to grow apart. Talking about the possibilities of what your lives together hold in the present and in the future is a starting point for having shared vision.

You build intimacy in a relationship through communication, commitment and clear shared goals. Making decisions together will enrich your relationship and deepen your intimacy.

Emotional connection begins to wane when communication is strained and limited. Good communication is important for a healthy and thriving relationship. Improving communication requires multiple and sustained efforts. The more time we spend together as couples, the more we will long for that deep connection. Shared goals create opportunities for an intimate connection between the couple.

Sharing our lives together requires us to have shared goals. Shared goals are things two people in a relationship strongly desire and are committed to accomplishing together.

Three elements of this definition require further attention;

1. Strongly desire: there has to be a mutual desire shared by the two in a relationship. It has to be something you both want with all your heart. You both agree to have it. If you both have deep and strong desires for your marriage, it will keep you focussed working towards that dream when things get tough.
2. Committed: shared goals have to be something both of you are willing to commit yourselves, including your energy and efforts, to accomplishing. In a sense, there should be a joint commitment to this cause.
3. Together: it is something you want to do together, something you are both willing to work towards as a team.

Shared goals and dreams provide the glue that will keep you and your spouse working together in marriage. It provides you a defined purpose for your daily activities. These shared goals will determine which path you both choose to follow. There is the tendency to walk on different paths if you don’t have shared goals as a couple. It enables you to have greater communication as you discuss what you are doing and where you both are in the journey towards accomplishing your shared goals. It encourages greater collaboration and brings about unity.

As couples work together towards accomplishing their shared goals, each person’s role becomes clarified with each one knowing the value and importance of his/her contribution. You cannot accomplish this without communicating. The more you communicate, the more you are better able to clarify your goals and understand the value of our contribution. This will strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and also deepen your intimacy. Shared goals bring both of you a sense of joy and fulfilment when it is accomplished.

Our deepest and strongest desire, when my husband and I got married, was that our home would be a haven of peace, a place where others will come and find succour and counsel. That was what we wanted, and this strong desire still guides us till date. There have been many times we lost track of that vision. I bless God Who in His infinite mercy and grace has always refocused our attention back to it.  

I am grateful that this desire was top on the list of our prayer points when we got married. As I look back over the years we have shared our lives together, I see how God has processed, pruned and refined us so that our home can be a place of succour and peace that we desired it to be. So as we reaffirm our love for each other today, I focus my attention again on our shared vision and ask God to keep us align to it every day we share together as a couple.

I will continue this post next week. In the interim, I encourage you, my married friends, to take time today and in the coming days to review what your shared goals and vision are as a couple. Are you sharing yourself with your spouse as you both work towards your shared goals?

Please feel free to share with us in the comment box how we can do better in sharing our lives together as couples, 

Grace and blessings of God abound to you and your spouse as you grow in the knowledge of God’s purpose for your lives.

To Share Or Not To Share: Part 2

First of all, let me apologize for my absence from this space for the past two weeks. I had many balls to juggle in the air. I cannot complain because it has been my prayer to be gainfully engaged but I did not anticipate the overwhelming volume of things that would daily demand my urgent attention. I learnt to commit my arm-long list of things-to-do to God each day in prayer and keep my focus on His agenda.

This blog refused to be written in a hurry. When I started the discussion three weeks ago, I did not expect the volume and seriousness of the response it would generate. I am very grateful to all those who responded both on the blog and by email. Thank you very much for your contributions. They were insightful.

There were many viewpoints provided and a number of issues highlighted. It appeared that this is an issue that many couples are struggling with. Also, I got some feedback that were personal and required some counselling. It was at this point that I decided to go back to the Lord in prayer. I needed His leading and guidance to address this issue and in particular to give the right counsel to those who presented personal situation.

Pooling together all the contributions I received, with a further study of the Word and vast literature available on the subject, I would like to address this issue from three premises:

1.       God’s plan and desire for marriage.

2.       What secrets, lies and withholding information does to the relationship.

3.       Instances when discretion and sound judgment is required.

God’s plan and desire for marriage:

We can glean from Genesis 2: 24 – 25 that God desired for a man to be united to his wife and for the two to become one flesh. Then, we note that the two were both naked and they felt no shame: “they were not ashamed.” That is, not embarrassed in each other’s presence

We can conclude from these two verses and many others that referred to it in the New Testament, that God’s will is for husband and wife to be in spiritual and functional unity, walking in integrity and serving God together. “The biblical concept of marriage is an oneness between two individuals that pictures the oneness of Christ with His church.  When this harmony, unity and oneness is operative, the entire society prospers under the hand of God” (1).

Both the husband and the wife are expected to supply what the other lack so that they can become truly one flesh in complete unity, complementing each other.

“Nakedness suggests that they were at ease with each other without any fear of exploitation”

– Bible Knowledge Commentary.

This is the degree of fellowship that God intended for marriage, where there is no fear of exploitation or a potential for evil to be done to one another, but a depth of trust which indicates that they will both act in the best interest of each other. Anything that will cause a couple not to be at ease and open to each other has the potential to destabilize the unity and harmony God intends for them to share.

True friends should not feel the need to hide what they are doing from each other. “And the Lord said, shall I hide from Abraham that which I do?” (Gen. 18:17). Abraham was a friend of God. True friends communicate freely with each other without fear. Husbands and wives should shared such an intimate relationship, which allows for free and open communication.

Openness is what God designed for marriage as they become one flesh. God’s desire is for husband and wife to have a marriage where secrets cannot have a foothold.

Secrets, lies and withholding information does and its effect on the relationship:

Surprises are great in a marriage once in a while but they are not likely to be a constant dynamics of the relationship. 

“Where transparency and trust are the forefront of a marriage, surprises should never be a problem” – Kate Aldrich (www.onefleshmarriage.com)

Secrets are those things you do not INTEND to tell your spouse. Secrets will keep us from connecting at a deeper level. Keeping secrets imply a certain level of “shadiness” that will limit openness in a relationship. Withholding information and keeping secrets can be counter-productive to growing an open, honest and healthy relationship. Once it becomes easy to keep “little secrets” it will not be long before we begin to keep big secrets, which would be detrimental to our marriage.

Sharing information should be a constant practice in trust and honesty. Open and honest communication is not only the best way to build a healthy relationship, it is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Indeed, trust and honesty are the backbones of a good relationship.

Secrecy robs the relationship of intimacy. It creates a gulf between the couple. The more you hide from each other, the more you turn away from each other, and the wider the gulf becomes. Even when physical intimacy appears to be ok or even great, emotional and spiritual intimacy becomes limited and strained.

-          How can you truly be one flesh with someone you cannot share your heart with, someone locked out of the some areas of your life?

-      How can you pray in unity with someone you are lying to or not telling the truth when asked?

What is the motive for not sharing? The crux of the matter is still WHY we are withholding information from each other.

-          Is it in the best interest of the other party?

-          Does it require lying or sidestepping the truth?

There should not be any sphere of our lives as a couple that is not accessible to the person we are one flesh with in a healthy marriage. That does not how mean that we don’t occasionally need our space or time alone, which is by mutual consent.

Instances when discretion and sound judgment is required:

I would like to share two Biblical stories as case studies of when discretion and sound judgment were exercised in the Bible with regard to sharing information.

Abigail:

The Bible noted in 1Samuel 25 that she was an intelligent and beautiful woman with good understanding. She was married to Nabal. Her husband was described as churlish, mean, wicked and evil in his doing. No one can talk to him – does what he wants to do regardless of the consequences. He was an ungrateful man, who could not show even the required societal courtesy. His wickedness put his family at a great risk.

When Abigail was informed of her husband’s action and the evil that has been determined against her household. Her reaction was spontaneous – she wasted no time to initiate remedial action (1Samuel 28:18). Note verse 19: “…But she did not tell her husband Nabal” what she was going to do. Wisdom dictated that she took action without her husband’s knowledge.

She pleaded and interceded for her unthinking and unwise husband, and her entire household. She also prevented David from having on his conscience the burden of needless bloodshed. After she had succeeded in averting evil from her household, she went to her husband to tell him. Here again, she exercised discretion and wisdom by waiting for the right time, she told him nothing because he was drunk. She waited until morning when he had become sober, and she told him ALL that had happened.

She did not lie to her husband about the events that took place neither did she withhold the information from him. But knowing the kind of man her husband was, she managed the situation with discretion, good judgment and wisdom. At the appropriate time she told him everything.

There are still men and women who don’t listen to others and only do what they want to do even to the extent of putting their families at risk. If you are married to such a person how can you exercise discretion in managing sensitive situations in your relationship without telling lies and being dishonest with your spouse?

When crisis thrusts itself on us, we need to take a tight rein on ourselves and let the Holy Spirit guide. I believe we should not depend on our own reasoning to deal with such a situation but on God’s grace and help, and expect His grace to work on our behalf. We can also seek counsel from respected Christians.

Abraham (Genesis 22):

Abraham and Sarah waited 25 years for Isaac, the child of promise, to be born. Then, God tested Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his only son whom he loved on a mountain he was to be shown. The Bible recorded that early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey and took his servants and his son with him on the journey. His response was instant and of unquestioning obedience.

The question as raised by some of the contributors to this discussion was; did Abraham consult with Sarah overnight and told her about God’s instruction? Obviously the answer is a resounding NO! I don’t believe that Sarah or any woman for that matter would have willingly given up a child, she waited so long for without a strong argument.

But Abraham knew God as a covenant keeping God. He knew that in matters concerning God’s clear instructions, he could not consult with flesh and blood but simply to act in quiet submissive obedience.

I learnt from this story that there will be instances when we cannot consult with flesh and blood when God gives a clear instruction that requires our submissive obedience. I believe that under such circumstances God’s grace will also be available to the spouse to understand why such obedience is required and be supportive of it.

Some other highlights from the feedback:

-          While transparency is important, a couple may need to exercise discretion in sharing something a third party had shared in confidence. When this is shared between the couple, it should be only for the purpose of praying and not for discussion with another person.

-          God said that two is better than one. It is important that couples should make decisions about issues that concerns their lives together.

-          Keeping secrets from our spouse erodes confidence and creates opportunities for suspicion and distrust.

God is a God of knowledge, by Him are actions weighed. He knows us inside out and He know the motive behind all we do. We will account to Him for all our actions. It is possible to take remedial actions when we have not acted right, but first seek God’s face and guidance, and possibly godly counsel.

Today’s post has been long and extensive in the bid to cover as much angle as possible on this subject. I pray that you will all experience the true oneness that God designed for your marriage and trust that it will enrich your relationship.

1.       http://www.studymode.com/essays/Anthropology-Marriage-And-Divorce-1007854.html

To Share or Not To Share

In today’s blog post, I want to initiate a discussion, which I hope all my readers will be willing to contribute to. I will pose a number of questions to guide this discussion.

Recently, I planned a surprise party to celebrate my husband’s 50^th birthday. In order to keep the surprise element, I had to do a number of things behind his back, withhold important information and limit what I shared with him.

This was the most difficult part of the process. There were many times that I had engaged in discussions with many of his old friends, especially those he had been out of touch with, in search of information about his days in the university. In my usual practice, I would download my entire day including conversations I had to him at the end of the day, when we are together. But during this period, I had to exercise extreme caution not to share this information with him.

I guarded my cell phone as if my life depended on it. It is not unusual for him to pick my phone when it rings and answer it for me or read out incoming text messages to me. It was an edgy, stand-on-the-toes period for me. I felt very bad on a number of occasions that I could not share important information with him. There was once he was worried that he had not heard from his longest friend despite trying to reach him a few times. I had spoken to the friend, and knew what was going on at his end but could not offer any reassurance to my husband as I would have had to explain why I could reach his friend and he could not. Some of our friends had limited contact with him so as not to accidentally divulge information about the event.

There was another occasion when I was alone at home and needed to go out to make arrangements for the venue of the event. At that time, I needed some assistance to get ready if I had to go out. My house is on multiple levels and I required support moving from one level to the other. I had arranged for a friend to take me out. I managed to get ready by myself and went out to meet my friend. It was the first time I would leave the house without any assistance getting ready after a long period of time, and I could not share this joy with him when I spoke to him later in the day. That was difficult.

For some time, communication was strained and tense. I was not spontaneous as I normally would be in sharing information. I was too guarded. I knew he was aware that I was up to something and definitely would plan an event to celebrate his birthday, but I also knew he would wonder how I was going to do it when I could not go out on my own and there was no movement in the family account.

This scenario I described above did not pose any serious threat to our relationship, but this as well as other situations that I have been privy to in the past, got me thinking about the following:

•  To what extent should a couple withhold information from each other?
•  Under what circumstances can a couple refrain from sharing information with each other?
•  How do you maintain openness, transparency and communion in a relationship when a couple keep secrets from each other?
•  In what ways would withholding information from your spouse provide grounds for lying or sidestepping the truth?
• How do you tell the truth or share information when you know that it may grieve the person you are in relationship with?
• How important is information sharing in promoting trust and honesty between a couple?
• What should you share and what should you not share?
• When the Bible says that the two shall become one, does this imply sharing everything?
• Even when our intentions are good and we are trying to protect the other party in the relationship, how would they feel if they eventually find out the truth?
• What are the things that can erode trust in a relationship?

I have heard that the truth will always come out no matter how long it takes. If this be the case, what good does it serve to withhold the truth from the significant people that we are in relationship with?

Luke 8:17 says “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed (revealed), and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open,” what is the implication of this verse for those in a relationship?

I am not being naive. I know people who have found themselves in very difficult relationships where they have learnt to be guarded in what they share with their spouses as a coping mechanism. Neither am I after proposing an unnecessary argument or debate. However, I believe that there is something to discuss here that we all can learn from and thereby enrich our relationships.

My plan is to pool together salient points from your responses and prepare a blog post on this subject which I pray will help someone at a crossroad of decision making. 

Please do share your thoughts on this subject in the comment box below. 

Love is Giving

That is what love does. It gives and keeps giving.

A few days ago, I was musing about how far people would go to put a smile on the face of someone they love. How much we are willing to sacrifice to make someone we love happy and fulfilled or simply to be there for that person. It was also overwhelming to note how much we desire to show the significant people in our lives that we love and care for them, and yet we hesitate and don’t do so as often as we ought to. It cuts across all our relationships: parent-child, husband-wife, friends, and siblings.

I read the story of a woman who, when she found that her 3-year old son had learning disabilities, gave up her dream of becoming a paediatrician to stay at home and help her son through school. She was at the verge of completing her specialization. The son now holds a degree in engineering. What a sacrifice.

Love is a verb, without an action, it is merely a word. Simply put, you cannot say you love someone without a commensurate action to demonstrate it. It is not simply what you feel, it is what you do. And one of the things that love does best is that it gives. Love makes a choice, a deliberate decision, to give. It is proactive—always looking for opportunities to give of itself. It takes action to deepen intimacy between you and your spouse. It is in full motion when it gives attention to a friend in need. Even the seemly small gestures enveloped in huge affection makes a lot of different.

 

http://justsaynototoxicrelationships.wordpress.com

Love gives

It gives selflessly

It gives sacrificially

It gives unconditionally

We have a perfect example to follow:

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). God gave His best and most precious just for you and me. See what the given Son did:

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters” (1John 3:16). There is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for the sake of his friends. Jesus gave up His glory in heaven when He came down to earth. Then he gave up His life for us on the cross at Calvary.

Oh! What great and awesome love that the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God. For to us whom He gave his Son, He gives all things freely with him. Our heavenly Father and our Lord Jesus Christ demonstrated their love for us through what they gave for us.

“Love is what is left in a relationship when selfishness is taken out” 

– Nick Richardson

I know love is in the air this weekend as we observe the Valentine’s Day. But it should not be a test of how much your spouse or friend loves you, it should be about celebrating your marriage, your relationships and the life you share together with the significant people in your life. It should be about putting your love for them in action.

“I will stop expecting your love, demanding you love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you.

And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.” – Donald Miller

Loving someone means we are willing to take a risk, to be vulnerable, to be open and to give our all. God took the same risk on you and me when He declared His faithful and undying love for us. I love the chorus of this old time song by the Gaither Vocal Band:

I am loved, I am loved
I can risk loving you
For the One who knows me best
Loves me most
I am loved, you are loved
Won't you please take my hand
We are free to love each other
We are loved

I can declare with all boldness, confidence and joy that I am truly loved:

I am loved by my Heavenly Father Whose love for me is beyond description.

I am loved by my Redeemer, Saviour and Friend, Who gave His life just for me.

I am loved by my dearest husband, whose love keeps giving and giving, who cares for me selflessly and supports me to be who God has called me to be. His twinkling smile brightens my world.

I am loved by my compassionate sons who never cease to amaze me. My personal stand-up comedians who make me laugh even when it was difficult to do so.

I am surrounded by our loving families—mine and my husband’s. The warmth of their care and love makes my heart glow with pride.

I am truly blessed with friends in deed. Friends who stick close through the thick and the thin. Friends who go the extra mile to be there for me. Friends who never cease to encourage me and bring the best out of me.

Today, I celebrate all my relationships and all the significant people God blessed my life with. And I ask you, dear friends, to do the same. Show your love, act your love and give of yourself to those you hold dear to your heart. It is only now when we have them that we can do so. When they are gone from us, we will have the memories of our time now sharing our love with them, to hold on to.

“The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they are still alive” – Orlando Battista.

I encourage you to show and tell your love to your loved ones today, this weekend and beyond. Do take time to cherish them now.

For my dearest husband:

I could never thank God enough for loving me so passionately and for extravagantly lavishing His love me. Perhaps, in my loving you for who you are and with all my heart, I may in a little way show to God, how grateful I am for His love and for blessing my life with you.

I love you and cherish today and for all times.

Compelling Motivation To Stay Committed In Marriage

In the blog posted last week, I noted that it is important for us to have deep personal convictions based on the knowledge of God’s will in everything we pursue in all spheres of our lives. These deep personal convictions, which I also referred to as irresistible strong moral reasons, become the driving force for all we do. Without such a compelling motivation, it will be difficult—if not impossible—to endure the long haul.

Wanting something is not good enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way. - Les Brown (www.brainyquotes.com).

In this post, I will focus on compelling motivation to stay committed in marriage. In applying the quote above by Les Brown; wanting a good and thriving marriage is not going to be enough to create one. You must earnestly desire and seek after it. Therefore your motivation for a great marriage must be compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that you will undoubtedly encounter, and in order to stay committed to your vows, to each other and to the purpose of the marriage.

Understanding Marriage is Sacred

Marriage is a sacred institution. It is a covenant relationship which deserves utmost respect and attention. Covenant, as defined by the scripture, is a solemn and binding relationship which is meant to last a life time. Understanding marriage as a covenant relationship based on the covenant God has made with us preserves the sanctity of marriage and the stability of the home.

It brings strength and purpose to both the husband and wife when they bring their lives and marriage under the control of the inspiring assurance that they are both living in a covenant relationship with God. A deep understanding of marriage with this insight will compel us to be true to our vows. We can stay committed to each other when we remain committed to God.

“Until Death Do Us Part”

This is God’s design for marriage from its inception. It is a relationship forged by commitment to a life-long relationship. Aligning our minds to this creation design is critical to staying committed in marriage.

When a man and a woman enter into marriage with a determination to make their marriage a lasting one, they are more likely to make it happen, come what may. If however, the couple starts their life together with the thought that it is optional and there is a way out if it does not work, they are more likely to end up in a divorce court. They will have no strong motivation to remain committed when faced with problems.

We have to note that the benefits God designed for marriage “can not be sought—let alone achieved—outside the context of covenantal fidelity and permanence.” It is only in the permanence and exclusivity of our relationship can we reap the benefits God intended for marriage (Halee Gray Scott, Author, Why Christian Marriage Matters).

“A lasting marriage is built by two people who believe in and live by the solemn promise they made.” – Darlene Schacht

Purpose-Driven

Dr. Fred Lowery wrote about Purpose-Driven Marriage in his book, “Covenant Marriage.” Here are some thoughts shared: “It means that the couple have a basic understanding of the kind of marriage they are trying to build and what it will take to make it happen. It means that they are both willing to work together towards that common goal” (paraphrased).

What is the purpose of your marriage? Do you have common hopes and dreams for the future?

Marriages and relationships die for the lack of purpose. If there is no valid, defined, and acknowledged purpose for our marriage, chances are we will have trouble keeping it alive and staying committed to it. 

Without a shared dream, a marriage relationship will become stale and eventually die. “Dreams stimulate hope. Hope stimulates planning. Planning moves you forward. Resulting in positive progress for the marriage” – Neil Warren (Author, The Triumphant Marriage).

A Gift Worth Fighting For

Your marriage is a gift from God to you to enjoy and be happy in. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy what God wants you to be blessed and enriched with. God has empowered us with the knowledge, strength and grace to stand against the devil’s plan to destroy our marriage, steal our peace and kill our joy. Praise be to God that Jesus came to destroy all the works of the enemy. So when Jesus occupies the central place in your home and both of you submit your will to Him, you are able to recognize the enemy’s tactics and scheming, and ward off his incursion into your marriage.

Don’t give up on your marriage or your spouse, fight for the precious gift which God has blessed you with. “Be committed to keeping what God has given you” (Gbenga and Ronke, Marriage Fellowship.org).

Forgiveness plays a big part in retaining a hold on your marriage during crisis. I have heard couples say quite often that they separated because of irreconcilable differences. Whenever there is a willingness to forgive, the couple is better able to overcome the problem.

“A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers” – Ruth Bell Graham

It Takes Hard Work

A great marriage doesn't just happen. Nothing good or great in marriage “just happens.” It has to be cultivated. It takes serious effort, time and determination to make great things including a good marriage to happen. Thriving marriages are not made out of luck, neither are they accomplished by accident. It simply does not fall on your laps like an overripe plum nor can you stumble on it by chance.

When you go through the season of “for worse” you need to know that you are not responsible for your spouse’s problems, wrong decisions and its consequences, and bad behavior. It is not your fault that your spouse is going through a crisis, even if he/she tries to make it about you. The path of least resistance is to blame others for our troubles, but each one must learn to take responsibility for their decisions and actions.

It takes a lot of courage and patience to stay in a troubled marriage but God’s grace is abundantly available to see us through the crisis and trials no matter how severe it may be.

Cultivating a strong and virile marriage is hard work but it is well worth it.

“The difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraordinary marriage is in giving a little ‘extra’ every day, as often as possible, for as long as we both shall live.” – Fawn Weaver

Refresh Your Vows and Remind Yourself of the WHY

What are you doing to keep your marriage fresh and vitalized?

“Your commitment to making your marriage work needs to be refreshed continually. Decide to hold on to each other, for always” (Gary and Joy Lundberg, Familyshare.com). Reminding ourselves as often as possible of the purpose of our marriage will keep us committed to keeping it vital and fresh. It is our responsibility to do everything in our power to awaken our relationship and live a more meaningful life together as a couple.

Recognize the good in your spouse and be consistent in telling your spouse about the good you see in him or her.

“You can’t help loving a person that makes you feel good about yourself

whenever you are with that person”

Dear Friends, it is God’s will and design for us to have a great, thriving and lasting marriage. But it requires our willingness to stay committed. The only way to do this, is by having strong, irresistible and compelling reasons to desire and work towards permanence. The purpose of today’s blog is to remind you of why you can stay committed in your marriage and to rekindle your desire to do so.

“Today is another day to start creating a lasting marriage. Don’t wait until tomorrow, start today”

Please note that if you are in an abusive relationship whether physical or emotional, you need to seek professional help and spiritual support.

Intimate and Unbroken Fellowship

This week's post is coming later than usual. I apologize. It has been a challenging week. This is a two-fold message. The first part is a preview of a post coming soon.  

The second part is a rewrite of an article I wrote in June 2011 and shared by email with couples on my mailing list then. I found the article while I was looking back to where I started from.

It is two years since I started writing actively.

A series of events these past couple of weeks ignited an appreciation of how God blesses us with gifts to be used for His honor and glory. As I reflected on how far God has brought me in this journey — writing to Enrich Lives and to Inspire Hope,  I considered my small beginnings, I could not but give thanks to God Who does not despise small beginnings.

I appreciate God for the gift of writing and what God has chosen to do with it in my life and in the lives of those He brought my way. My heart overflows with gratitude for the many helpers He brought my way in the process. I will put a hold on this for now until I bring you "Right Where You Are."

I was extremely blessed in the course of meditating and researching on a topic I was writing on a couple of years ago, that is, “The Promise (gift) of His Abiding Presence." It was about dwelling in God's presence, and having an intimate and unbroken fellowship with Him, our Saviour Jesus Christ and the Holy  Spirit.

Whilst reflecting on this subject, it was clear to me that God also designed and desired that couples should have an intimate and unbroken fellowship with one another and together with Him.

Building an intimate relationship requires closeness — dwelling in each other’s presence. Closeness deepens emotional intimacy, which is a God-given desire in every woman. I can attest to the deep longing of every woman for a deep emotional intimacy. Sometimes, this may be challenging for many reasons including distance especially for couples who have to live apart. But even in such circumstances, couples can still creatively maintain a degree of closeness that keeps their relationship vital and their fellowship unbroken.

In the series I ran last month — Couples Or Co-Tenants, we can infer that it is possible for one to be lonely in marriage even though you live together. So being physically together or sharing same space, though an essential ingredient, does not guarantee close and intimate relationship.

It is what you do together, how you share time and space in fellowship with one another, that ensures a deep and intimate relationship.

© Duccio | Dreamstime.com

Growing close together like an ivy beautifully entwined around a tree amplifies the degree of intimacy we ought to seek in our marriage. It is at this intimate proximity, when all the fences are down, we identify and lovingly close up the cracks in our relationship.

Jim Mueller wrote in Incredible Intimacy: “Over the last several years, our marriage has evolved into a deeper partnership, with increased trust, confidence and security. Our communications and conflict resolution skills have improved. We selflessly serve each other, always looking for creative ways to express our love and foster romance.”

Take note of these key phrases:

• Our marriage has evolved into a deeper partnership
• Increased trust, confidence and security
• Our communication and conflict resolution skills have improved
• We selflessly serve each other
• Always looking for creative ways to express our love and foster romance

Sit back for a moment and ponder a little bit on these facets of your relationship with your spouse. How have you fared? Can you identify one or two areas where you can improve and do better? I hope this will motivate you to take your fellowship with your spouse to a deeper and more intimate level.

The more you dwell in God's presence, the more you will desire that the life of God flow through you into your marriage, the more you will desire the purpose of God fulfilled in your marriage. The more of the life of God flowing into you from an intimate fellowship with God, the more you will submit to His leading to honor Him in your marriage as in every other sphere of your life.

I honestly do not believe that it is possible to have an intimate and unbroken fellowship with God and it will not reflect in a desire for a deeper and more intimate fellowship with our spouse. I urge you to check the temperature of your fellowship with God and of your relationship with your spouse, and challenge you to seek after an intimate and unbroken fellowship.

Today, I want to encourage you to have a yearning for a deep, intimate and unbroken fellowship that will keep your relationship vital and vibrant. Don't settle into the rot of stale monotony in your marriage. Be determined to do all in your power by the help of the Holy Spirit to create an atmosphere that will improve your closeness to your spouse.

Ultimately, the closer you and your spouse draw to God, the closer you are drawn to each other. The closest thing to heaven on earth, after your fellowship with God, is a rich and vibrant relationship with your spouse to the extent that both of you can jointly sing: "Your Presence is Heaven to me." 

What can couples do to improve how they share time and space together? Share your thoughts in the comments box below.

I share with you Your Presence is Heaven To Me by Israel Houghton.

Couples Or Co-Tenants - Bridging the Gulf (2)

It has been exciting doing these posts on relationships. I have been tremendously blessed in the process. I hope it has been a blessing to everyone of you following.

Taking off from where I stopped last week, I will expand more on spending quality time together.

Actively Engage and Be Consciously Present:

Spending quality time together requires making effort to give full attention to each other. Eliminate distractions when you are talking to each other especially when trying to resolve a conflict and during times you have designated for each other.

One of my friends simply said, "Turn off the electronics and sit side-by-side." Just  sitting side-by-side, with the electronics turned off, and talking can be as special as it gets for some of us but it is worth it if you want to give focused attention to each other.

If you must spend time on the electronics during the precious moments you have together, especially after an already long day at work, be courteous enough to tell your spouse what you need to do and how long it would take. Stick to this time frame.

Study the Word Together:

"For Christians, studying and discussing the word together daily is a speedboat to enhanced communication," says Yemisi, in her note to me. She and her husband use the same devotional. Even when one of them is travelling, they still seek opportunities to discuss together what they studied each day! They started with a few verses. Now this practice has become the anchor of their relationship. Talk about the power of consistency.

Start by sharing one verse together each day - make it regular and consistent.

"In consistency lies the power of God to transform your relationship."

- Gbenga & Ronke Akingbade (Marriage Fellowship)

Closeness and Companionship:

Marriage is about sharing our lives together. We make time for each other. We do things together. We show up at events together, as often as possible.

We pay attention to tending our relationships to keep them healthy, vibrant and connected. No one leaves a garden of roses unattended and expects to find the roses blooming.

Closeness is maintained when a couple share a commitment to something interesting which they both enjoy doing together. We can regenerate intimacy through shared experiences.

When couples think of themselves as a team, they help each other go through life. They support each other to grow and go through tough times. Because, it is a vow of  'for better and for worse' we shared.

Be interested in each other's life - jobs, interests, dreams, thoughts, etc. When you stop being a part of each other’s lives and fail to operate as a team, you become ineffective as a couple. Attending to each other's needs reminds us of the feelings and experience, which brought us together in the first place. And this draws us closer to each other.

Maintain and Nurture Your Friendship:

"Marriages that will last a life time are those where partners work at being good friends to each other…"

- Tim & Kathy Keller (The Meaning of Marriage).

Friends don’t talk only about to-do list—tasks that needs to be done and bills that needs to be paid.

Check what you and your spouse are talking about the most.

True friends share experiences. They share details of each other's lives, which enhances their closeness. Friends produce shared memories. Couples must work together as friends to produce memories of shared experiences. Shared memories help bond you together, and give you good times to remember when things get rough.

Friendship is also about sharing something in common which keeps you connected no matter how rough or smooth your journey together is, or the geographic distance between you.

Are you laughing together and making each other laugh? That's what friends do.

Pause… When was the last time you and your spouse had a really good laugh together? I love to hear my husband laugh out loud, it simply thrills my heart. I love when he makes me laugh.

Appreciate Your Spouse:

Appreciating your spouse is crucial for a joyful and healthy marriage. Appreciation should not only be given when your spouse goes the extra mile, it should be sprinkled throughout the day, everyday. The busyness of life can crowd our thoughts and make us to miss beautiful moments for which we ought to be thankful.

Verbal communication is important in expressing your appreciation to your spouse - this is one of those times that silence is not golden. Communicating appreciation should be as loud in words as in action.

Pay attention to the little things:

Don't neglect the little opportunities that presents themselves everyday to connect and draw closer together.

• Find little ways to let your spouse know throughout the day that you are thinking about him/her— a phone call, text, messaging, little notes etc.
• Consider how you greet one another after work. Making a consistent effort to reconnect with a tender touch or embrace, will establish one of the most important patterns for setting a positive tone.
• When you start your evening together with a tender touch, you create an atmosphere of love and intimacy around your home.
• Common courtesies: Are you as polite to your spouse as you are to others outside your home? Saying "thank you" and "please" will ensure that you establish a pattern of politeness and you don't fall into the danger of taking each other for granted or becoming rude to each other.
• Be intentionally loving and kind to each other.

These little actions are like little investments into your marriage. They make a huge difference when it comes to developing a habit of intentionally connecting with each other.

Take time to invest in your marriage - it is WORTH IT!

 (As a parent, it is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children!)"

- Audra Michelle (Rediscovering Domesticity)

Keep Open and Honest Communication:

Create an atmosphere of mutual trust where you can effectively communicate what you feel and need from each other, and where you can speak the truth in love. Listen to and give your spouse your full undivided attention while he/she is talking.

Healthy and honest communication is about knowing what to say and when to say it, such that it will be beneficial to the relationship. Your words should contribute to each other's well being and not hurtful. Especially when you are trying to resolve a conflict.

"An apt answer brings joy to your spouse, and a well timed-word is a good thing"

- Prov. 15:23 paraphrased.

How good is a word spoken in due season - the right word at the right time.

Open and honest communication is not evasive. Be willing to share pertinent information with each other. This include sharing information about what you are doing on the social media. If you can't sit side-by-side with your spouse while you are on the social network or internet, or share this time with your spouse then you should not be there.

Be specific about what you are doing when you are separate from your spouse. Words like  "somebody" or "somewhere" are vague. Something is wrong if you feel the need to conceal information from your spouse except you are planning a surprise for him/ her.

"The safest way to ensure that interactions outside the marriage including those via social media do not affect the marriage is to make sure such interactions are not kept secret. Hiding any interaction from your spouse is not privacy, it is secrecy." - Peggy Vaughan (To Have and To Hold)

"Make sure that little things don't get in the way of good and effective communication."

- Angela Ackerman

Keeping Secrets Hurts Intimacy:

According to Tim Gardner, you must be able to answer the following questions if you want to keep secrets from your spouse:

• Why are you keeping this knowledge from your spouse? Is doing so the best for both of you?
• How is your marriage enhanced and intimacy promoted by keeping this secret?
• Are you sincerely seeking the highest and best good of God's great gift of your marriage by doing so?

Personal revelation must be accompanied by discretion in an atmosphere of mutual trust.

To maintain oneness with your spouse, you have to commit yourself not to do anything that would need to be kept secret. Keeping secrets provides a breeding ground for lies, which will not promote trust or enhance intimacy.

Don’t get too lazy to try harder at bridging the gulf between you and your spouse, and to create an atmosphere in your home where you can derive utmost pleasure in your marriage. That is the only where you can rightly do so. We need to be vigilant to maintain intimacy and love in our relationship.

While doing this series, I spotlighted a few areas I want to work harder on to deepen intimacy in my marriage and keep us from drifting apart. I am committing myself to paying attention to these areas.

Did you discover areas you want to work harder on? Are you willing to commit yourself to doing this? Share with us in the comment box below and we will pray along with you.

I thought it better to treat "Maintaining intimacy in special situations and during difficult circumstances" separately. I will do a post on this next month. I wish you many joys as you strive to enrich your marriage.

Couples Or Co-Tenants - Bridging the Gulf (1)

The ultimate goal of marriage is oneness. We can not be truly one if there is a gulf between us because we have drifted apart. Bridging the gulf and reconnecting restores intimacy to our relationship and restores us to oneness.

I was overwhelmed by the depth of sincerity in the responses I received since the last post: Couples Or Co-Tenants - Drifting Apart. Your comments on the blog, and by emails, text messages and phone calls have been very encouraging.

The focus this week and the next is on bridging the gulf.

How do we attain and maintain oneness in our marriage in a way that will ensure we not only bridge existing gulf but prevent us from drifting apart again?

© Monkey Business Images | Dreamstime.com

Marriage - Designed by God

A dear friend of mine once said that God did not design marriage to be on autopilot. I agree with him 100%.

There is a depth of knowing that God designed for a husband and wife in marriage, which we must strive to attain and maintain. It is the mystery of two becoming one and in Him. To the extent that they will seek each other's best interest all the days of their lives:

·                  he seeks her highest good and considers no sacrifice too great to be made, which will bring benefit to her, by loving her selflessly - Eph. 5: 25, 28, 33 (WOW, three times within ten verses!!!)

·                  she will do him good, respect him and greatly enrich his life - Prov. 31:12, Eph 5:22, 33.

God's desire is for His purpose to be fulfilled in and through our marriage. He designed it to be exciting, vibrant and fulfilling. Marriage is to be enjoyed and not endured.

"Marriage is bursting with opportunities for deeper spiritual growth."

- Paul & Halee Scott

Oneness and biblical closeness develop between us when we put our spouse in their right position in our lives and we give ourselves selflessly to our spouse and marriage. Honouring the relationship God has given you with your spouse is a responsibility. It requires a willingness to share your life with your spouse at the deepest level.

Healthy and vibrant relationships require work, attention and persistence. In addition to this, it takes willingness, commitment and effort to attain and maintain oneness in marriage - to live our lives together as one.

Reconnecting

In the two previous posts, I highlighted some of the reasons why couples drift apart, what could cause a gulf and why couples may experience dry patches in their marriage.

The severity and the duration of the dryness vary as much as the causes. Conflict happens even in the happiest marriage. Whatever the cause may be, one thing is common, you feel disconnected from your spouse at this period. You feel you are in a desert place and there is a gulf between you. It is difficult to generate a feeling of oneness when you feel distant from your spouse and when there are stuff hanging between you.

It is important to identify what caused the rift between you and your spouse, and be willing to take responsibility for your role in this. It is possible that you have learnt that in desiring a change, you have been talking to the 'wrong person' and you are expressing your desire concerning your spouse and marriage in prayer to God.

Along with this, you may also have learnt that you must be willing to yield your will to God's will and to have a right attitude while you are waiting. Part of having a right attitude is to look beyond the problem or issue causing the conflict, and long for a restoration of fellowship with your spouse.

Resolving the conflict and reconnecting with your spouse must be a heartfelt desire.

It is not about keeping a scoreboard of who has won. It is important there is a longing to reconnect. If this longing is no longer there or it is at its lowest ebb, you are likely to be harboring anger and unforgiveness.

Someone has to be willing to make the first move towards reconnecting after a period of drifting apart and to bridge the gap. It does not matter who makes the first move. Both of you stand to gain when one is willing give this gift of love aimed at restoring intimacy to your relationship. Intimacy —physical, emotional and spiritual, is important for a vibrant marriage. Reconnecting brings intimacy back into your relationship. If it is uppermost in your mind then it is not too late to turn the boat around and start sail towards each other.

So how do we keep our relationships in good shape and make it easy to rekindle intimacy after a conflict and a period of dryness?

Pray for Each Other Together

Each time I listen to my husband praying for me and he says, "Father, I pray for my wife, your daughter…." My heart is thrilled and it swells up with love and appreciation for him. It delights me to hear the things he asks God for concerning me and the passion with which he prays for me, and that endears my heart to him the more.

A dear sister and encourager shared her story with me. When her husband heard her praying about an issue relating to his job, which he had not shared with her but she had heard from his friends, he was touched. It made him to start sharing more details with her.

"All marriages have problems because they are made up of two imperfect people. But if you add the presence of a perfect God, then you have unlimited possibilities for drawing closer to what God intended for marriage. Whether that happens is determined by how frequently and how fervently God is invited into your relationship. The more you pray together, the more you will see God do great things." - Stormie Omartian (When Couples Pray Together).

Praying for each other separately and together as a couple promotes both emotional and spiritual intimacy, oneness and unity in the marriage.

Put Your Spouse and Marriage High on Your Agenda

Where do you place your marriage on the list of your priorities?

After our relationship with God, our marriage is our number two priority. Your marriage comes before your children. It was there before the children came and it will be there when the children leave the nest. You don’t want to wake up one morning after the children have gone to find yourself living with a total stranger. You can make your honeymoon more than just a memory but it can become a way of life.

 "Keep love alive—starting now—by establishing daily habits of romance, passion and intimacy." - Les & Leslie Parrot (Marriage Insurance)

Spend Quality Time Together

To keep romance alive you and your spouse need to spend quality time together. This excludes time spent with friends together or running errands. It refers to time when you give your full attention to your spouse. It is just between the two of you with the objective of connecting to each other.

When we spend time together with our loved one doing things together, it is an act of love. Attention is needed to build real, lasting love and friendship. Closeness develops when a couple share a commitment to some interesting and/or an exciting activity. Intimacy is deepened when you desire to and enjoy being in each other's presence.

© Trahcus | Dreamstime.com

This is time that you should consider scheduling (put on your agenda) so that you can be committed to it and be consistent with it. It should be regular. Many have suggested a weekly time-out together to do something you both enjoy doing. Weekend getaway, three to four times a year, is a great idea. Each time I hear of couples taking time to have vacation together, and without their children, I am delighted. This is highly recommended especially for couples with older children.

We can not spend quality time together if our attention is distracted.

Next week, I will expand on this. I will also share on appreciating your spouse, nurturing your friendship, special situations among others.  Until then, may the sweet aroma of refreshing rain permeate your marriage as you reconnect together.

"Today's good habits can take care of tomorrow's rough times."
- Les & Leslie Parrot (Marriage Insurance)